You had me at “hell no”!

Transcript:

(Scene from Jerry Maguire)

Jerry:
“I love you. You complete me. And if I just had...”

Dorothy:
“Shut up. Just shut up.....You had me at hello. You had me at hello.”

I think this scene captures well our aspirations for romantic love. Someone to love us and complete us, someone to make us whole.

But is this picture of love reality?

The psychoanalyst Lacan challenges this notion of love offering. Love is giving what you don't have to someone who doesn't want it. At first this sounds horribly pessimistic and even cynical, but I think there's something for us romantics to aspire to here.

He's saying that we all show up to relationships with holes, with flaws, with pieces that are missing. He calls it a “lack”. We tend to not even know about these holes until someone else is allowed to get up close and personal.

Our unsuspecting lover.

They thought we were going to be the perfect partner and we were just as surprised as they were to find something repulsive.

What's possible now in this relationship when this flaw can't be hidden again, it can't be fixed, it can't be ignored, and the possibility of love suggested by Lacan, our partner, rather than despising us because of this flaw, might stick around and stay with us in our disappointment. They might comfort us in our distress over this newfound flaw and we might also comfort them in their distress. In an extraordinary irony our flaw becomes the very sight of endearment. The very sight of secure love, and over time comforting love gives way to a secure bond.

Love is giving what you don't have to someone who doesn't want it.

Your partner will eventually bring you face to face with what's missing and it will be upsetting for both of you. They won't complete you and you won't complete them, but instead you might bring each other a deeply securing comfort.

It's not a perfect relationship, but it might be much better than that.